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obsession.

honestly, for as long as i can remember, i've definitely always thought about food more than would be deemed 'appropriate'. but i've recently come to realize that in the last two months, food has become an absolute obsession; i am literally ALWAYS thinking about it and i'm beginning to feel as if i'm going a bit crazy. the only time that i'm not thinking about food is when i'm eating it. seriously. this is not normal and it's creating a ridiculous amount of anxiety - i'm dangerously depressed.

i just want to turn my brain off. so i sleep. and get insomnia. and sleep. in excessive, life-disrupting amounts. i even dream about food. it absolutely consumes me. so i eat for HOURS, so that my mind can calm down. thereafter, while i'm purging, i'm already thinking about food again...

no food.

i finally feel like myself again.
Today's a bad day. After a month of consecutive bay days. But today seemed especially bad - thanks PMDD. Every time I've spoken today, I've literally been screaming. Not even speaking loudly or yelling, but screaming. My throat hurts. Also from my constant binging and purging. Binged today - couldn't purge. Either time. My throat's finally jacked up enough to where I can't really even make myself gag at all.
Decided the best way to end the day was with a cocktail. Of pills. Had six hydroxycut hardcore, twelve laxatives, a xanax, been slowly drinking robitussin and nyquil cold. About to find some more to add to it because as of right now, I just feel like I've had a lot of coffee.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh...........
ugh. i honestly don't even want to admit to this is writing. the past week has been the worst since last year. i've gone from my usual 300-500 calories a day plus at least an hour of exercise to the complete and total opposite. i'm binging on incredible quantities of food the past few days. until i feel literally hot-in-the-face and like my body wants to vomit, regardless of if i was going to make it or not. most times i've either been purging, taking an obscene and painful amount of laxatives, or waking up at 7am the next morning to go running. but it doesn't make it better. or right. i'm beginning to place the blame on the fact that two weeks ago i stopped taking my birth control that i've been on for years (this specific kind for about seven months). yesterday while shopping for mother's day at wal-mart i bought a TWENTY-FIVE PACK OF CANDY BARS. and in 24 hours, there's only eight left. my throat hurts. my stomach hurts. my brain hurts. i don't know what's happening with me. but i've gained.... more than five pounds, less than ten. FUCKMYLIFE.

moving on, a couple of interesting things:

1. finally got a new job. full time. full benefits. progression to management position within three months. awesome coworkers. only down side is that it's retail, but seems pretty cool so far.

2. ex who has been stationed in korea since march has apparently had a sudden change of... everything. begging for me to go meet his family in kentucky on his midtour in september (i'm in florida) and saying if all goes well with that then he wants to marry me directly afterward. interesting. scary.

3. my old bosses from the club are quite literally begging me to come back. my manager actually came into my new place of business to talk to me for half an hour. while i was working. ballsy. and quite entertaining.
I had been stuck at 133.8, EXACTLY, for about 2-3 weeks and although it was my lowest weight, I was getting very discouraged. Out of nowhere I got on the scale yesterday and was magically 128. Checked numerous other scales just to make sure. Indeed. 127.8 today. I can see a huge difference in my stomach. My BMI is finally under 18.5, even thought just barely, at 18.3 (i'm 5'10", btw). I'm super happy. =]

FML.

So I had a BRILLIANT idea Saturday night while I was at work. I decided to have a PMS-induced anxiety attack over my boss yelling at me and storm out of work screaming I quit and cussing out everyone on my way out. My job where I make WAY too much money for doing next to nothing besides working late hours of the night. The job that pays my bills and allows me to save and spoil myself. The job that pays for my car and cell phone and insurance and tanning and gas and the food I do eat and the house I live in and helps to support my mother. Now I'm unemployed. Like everyone else around here. What great decisions I make. Now I'm making the oh-so enjoyable decision to go on a date with a guy who is old enough to be my grandfather in order to get a job that will just BARELY cover my bills until I get into the military. Lovely how things work out. Two weeks ago I had money to blow and all the security I needed. Now I'm terrified to turn on the AC in my car for fear of wasting gas.

Of course these recent events have done WONDERFUL things for my eating and exercise habits. Not only am I eating now, but I'm eating things I haven't dare let myself near in MONTHS. And I'm completely binging on them. And lord have mercy, I'm purging just about every time. This is on top of my laxative and diuretic abuse. And my running. I spent over three hours in the gym today. Walked out 2.5 pounds lighter than I walked in. Then I came home, had a B&P episode, then went running yet again. And I'm fighting off the urge to do jumping jacks and push-ups right now because I know my body can't handle what I want it to do and if I try and fail, I'll just hate myself more.

Oh my goodness. My anxiety is through the roof. I want my job back, but my boss won't answer my calls nor return them. So he's either teaching me a VERY PAINFUL lesson (yay for working in a strip club) or just had it. I'm having a hard time sucking up my pride on this one, as my break down at work was almost entirely on account of his error. But I'm pretty much willing to go back to being miserable everyday for the money I made there, as well as the general ease of the job. Although, if I can convince this guy tomorrow that I'm the most amazing thing EVER, I might just be okay with his job offer as well. I'll know something solid Wednesday hopefully. Until then I'm just going to be a complete and utter mess. And I have finals in two weeks. YAY.

Spring Break =)

Easter was terrible. Great to see family and have them tell me I look nice. Not so great to eat about 4x what I'm used to in a whole day at one meal. Then go running directly after and feel like I was going to die. That is all.

Got my Alli in the mail Friday. Very excited, although I'm slightly worried that there's not enough fat in my diet for Alli to actually make a difference. I'm still trying though. I haven't had any of the "treatment effects" that everyone talks about.

My school's finally on Spring Break this week. So I had all day to devote to myself today. Although, I ended up sleeping until about 4pm. Went running for about 7-8 miles. Realized that I DEFINITELY need some new running shoes. I have about five blisters from these. Other than being exhausted, I feel really good. Finally got all my Easter candy pawned off on others.

I'm attempting to eat 1,200 calories a day, as I intend to be spending all my free time running and otherwise conditioning my body throughout the next few months. But seeing as how everything I'm eating is healthy, it's kind of hard to make it all add up. Doing pretty well today though.

-Mango
-Greek Yogurt w/Raisins
-Apple
-Baby Carrots
-Tilapia w/Brown Rice

Maybe I'll have some cucumber slices before bed.

Long day at the beach tomorrow. =]

Four years?

It's been almost four years since my last post. I'd say that it's time for an update.

I've lost twenty something pounds since sometime in January when I decided I didn't want to eat anymore. Although in the past five years I've routinely gone through bouts of struggling with my eating habits, this time is markedly different. I'm at my lowest weight since elementary school. I went from cutting out fast food, to anything fried, to anything above a certain calorie content, to strictly a raw food diet occasionally supplemented by some form of lean meat or soup.

For two months it was incredibly easy to turn down anything unhealthy, and I had no cravings for it. For at least two months I've been routinely taking laxatives and diuretics. In the past few weeks, I've induced vomiting in myself after eating as I regularly do, or after binges (I've had ridiculous cravings lately). It got so bad that I forced myself to vomit at work two nights ago, then asked to be sent home, picked up $20 worth of chocolate on the way home, ate a large portion of it, then came home to purge it all and nearly OD on laxatives.

When I have the time, I'm a compulsive exerciser. Although, I honestly don't have the time to work out. I'm a full time college student during the day and a have a full-time job at a night club at night. My lifestyle is incredibly stressful and obviously has an influence on my eating habits and such.

I'm just rambling now. It's nearly 4am and I'm incredibly sick. Maybe I'll try this again tomorrow when I feel better. Or in another four years.
I'm never going to make entries in here.
Ever.
If you feel the need to stalk my daily activities, check my communities.

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bestillmyheartt
bestillmyheartt

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